Category: Uncategorized

  • nontrivial matters

    nontrivial matters

    i got rained on pretty heavily earlier. tried to help a dog in an alley in my neighborhood during a thunderstorm—unfortunately, they bolted, and i lost the trail. 🙁

    on another note, i’ve been thinking about my intentions for the new year. specifically, i’ve been reflecting on the scope of my intentions.

    every year, i find myself making new year’s resolutions that, in hindsight, feel trivial. it’s always about being more mindful, reading more, or improving my health in some way. the problem is, these resolutions often lack real purpose. i’ve set them because it feels like the expected thing to do or because they sound good at a surface level.

    this is where scope comes in. this time, i don’t want to set a specific number, goal, or milestone. when resolutions become about checking boxes, they lose meaning for me. specificity can be useful for direction, but life can get chaotic. i don’t want to set myself up for disappointment because of some arbitrary standard i created.

    for 2025, i just want to leave the year knowing i made the world a better place in some way. i don’t know exactly how i’ll do that yet, but that’s part of the point—no constraints, no rigid framework. i’m trusting my internal compass to guide me. when the time comes, i hope i’ll know if i’ve honored this intention. and if not, i’ll reflect, learn, and correct for the next year.

    ♫ its something unpredictable, but in the end is right // I hope you have the time of your life ♫

  • 36 unfortunate hours

    36 unfortunate hours

    sometimes i have to remind myself that i’m only human — even when it makes me feel… ashamed.

    there’s only so much a person can handle, and it seems that i hit a limit (usl if you will) at some point last night. from a combination of jet lag and work stress, i broke. with a presentation the following morning and a deeper fear that i’m not “making the cut,” i kept pushing myself to keep working, even when the clock showed it was past 1 am. at some point, i realized i was exhausted and needed to put down the laptop despite my unfinished work, only to find that i couldn’t sleep. my body thought it was still overseas, and the aftermath of my anxiety-fueled workflow was making my heart race nonstop despite how tired i was.

    fast forward to 5 am: i’m lying in bed with tears in my eyes. i didn’t sleep a wink, and the whole night i beat myself up for both my inability to rest and my imperfections as an engineer. in that moment, i felt deep shame. shame for not being more resilient, fast-learning, or capable like my coworkers, who i look up to. maybe it’s just imposter syndrome, but in this spiral, i began to doubt myself fundamentally—like whether i deserved my successes or if i could manage the upkeep of this high-achieving life i’m building for myself.

    in the end, i called in sick for my own mental health, which was both a relief and yet another nail in my coffin of imposter syndrome, as calling in sick solidified the feeling of weakness that kept me up all night. i felt worse for a few hours, but after the panic faded, i was finally able to disconnect and let myself breathe.

    as i’m writing this, i’m on hour ~33 of being awake, and I anticipate about 3 more until I can give myself permission to rest. i still haven’t slept for fear of taking a nap during the day and ruining my sleep schedule further, so i’m trying to persevere until regular sleeping hours in the evening.

    i’m not sure what to take from this experience today. is this a sign that i need to work harder to meet the internal targets i’ve set for myself, or a warning to take a step back and trust i’m on the right path? i genuinely don’t know.

    ♫ go to sleep little flower // leave your troubles for the night ♫

  • back to the shack

    back to the shack

    as I write this I sit in the San Jose airport waiting to board my flight to Dallas

    honestly im pretty exhausted — this recent trip started with plenty of enthusiasm and energy, but as time passed over the two weeks I really began to feel homesick. I miss my kittens and my bed lol. exploring is fun, but familiarity is nice, especially now that its around the holidays

    im also tired of being at airports! I have spent so many hours at airports over the past two weeks its maddening. something about the stale environment of an airport’s plastic lounge chairs and off white walls that feels like being stuck in purgatory. makes me want to jump off the walls!!

    anyways, im happy to be on my way home. the jet lag is already hitting but that’s just the way it goes. all I want to do is sink into the oh-so-familiar loose leather couches we have in our living room and hug milo and mona

    ♫ Sorry guys, I didn’t realize that I needed you so much ♫

  • 6 months deep

    6 months deep

    yesterday marked my 6th month at apple, which, in retrospect, is pretty incredible

    I think the thing that amazes me the most isn’t necessarily just the company I work for, but rather the sheer whirlwind of a 6 months it has been since my onboarding, and in turn, how normal it feels now. since June I have uprooted my entire life in a fundamental way — leaving Texas, working full-time, adopting two knucklehead street cats — these are just a few examples of how different my world is.

    even as I write this, I’m sitting in mainland china with a flight to Taiwan in the next 12 hours. hell, my first time even being outside of the states was during my post-graduation trip to Costa Rica. next thing I know im flying to the east like its nobodies business. this isn’t even my first trip (nor will it be my last)

    I think I just want to take a moment to acknowledge this milestone. I’ve been so caught up with everything that I haven’t had much time to reflect, let alone write like I used to.

    high school me would never have been able to guess the direction my life would take 🙂

    ♫ In this world, concrete flowers grow ♫