Have you ever found yourself in a position where you can’t seem to pinpoint how you feel? Like…in general?
I’m not sure if I like this
I’m not talking about anything in particular. Not my job, or where I live, or my current situation necessarily. Just whatever this is. (Feel free to envision me waving in every direction)
I suppose that’s kind of an existential question, but that also makes it feel a bit more real. I don’t know — but it feels like something fundamental is missing. Like I have a piece or two unaccounted for from the puzzle that is me. Like I’m a hint away from finally solving it, but the makers intentionally threw away the stock image your supposed to compare to
Honestly not sure where I’m going with today’s entry — i promise im not trying to be brooding. Just something on my mind
♫ the universe she is wounded // but she still got infinity ahead of her ♫
I just came back from a short weekend in Las Vegas – a mix of good and bad.
Good: I got to see a close cousin who usually lives on the other side of the U.S. (Tennessee). We had plenty of time to chat and catch up, which was nice since we didn’t even see each other during Christmas. On top of that, I had a lot of R&R, solid food, and an amazing trip to the Arte museum, where I experienced a few beautiful digital art pieces and saw a fox I colored with crayons come alive in a digital safari. Standing ovation to the museum – incredible.
That said, Vegas was still just… Vegas. I knew from the start it wasn’t exactly going to be my type of scene, but that feeling was really cemented once I got there. At face value, Las Vegas seems like a cool place to experience niche entertainment. There’s a literal pyramid, tons of casinos, and technological marvels like the Sphere. All of that is cool, except for one thing: it’s blatantly, obviously, in-your-face-ly artificial.
From driving through the desert to eating a meal, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this place is just a dystopian byproduct of American consumerism and a disregard for the environment. Every building found ways to incorporate incredibly bright, multi-colored slot machines into the lobbies. The architecture felt fake and sleazy, as if it was meant to parody the authentic cultures that genuinely exist around the world. There was trash, booze, and blatant drugs on nearly every corner. This messy hodgepodge felt like the adult triple-X version of a Chuck E. Cheese that somehow turned into a city that monetizes literal addiction.
There were many parts of my weekend that just felt wrong to be part of. The whole city felt like the physical embodiment of the lesson, “Just because you could, doesn’t mean you should.”
I don’t mean to sound high and mighty. Regardless of my own interests, I think there are great experiences to be had in the partying lifestyle. A part of me just wonders if this level of enablement is doing more harm than good in the world.
♫ tell me what would you would do for aesthetic // would you sell your soul on credit? ♫
as i write this, i sit in a random mediterranean restaurant in downtown san francisco.
i currently live in south bay, but i made the “trek” to the city to join a protest for ukraine. honestly, it was beautiful to see the amount of support and love people can project from so far away. i was in the crowd as songs were sung, leaders gave speeches, and passing cars honked in support. the political climate of the world as a whole can be (is?) terrifying at times—it felt nice to remember that other people feel the fear too and are willing to do something about it.
on another note, since the demonstration, i’ve basically been walking with zero purpose around san francisco. i just put in some headphones and walked in a straight line for about an hour or so. these hills make it a proper workout.
but one thing i can’t help but notice is how much difference a block makes—especially in terms of what seems to be blatant wealth disparity. i’ve always been familiar with the housing crisis in america, but it feels different when you actively walk through those neighborhoods where there are more people sitting on the curb than cars. on one level, i felt on edge knowing i was on the sketchy side of town. but even more so, i felt disappointment—in ourselves, the american people, for letting it get to this. in knowing that we have accepted the coexistence of great luxuries with equally great poverty.
sigh. at least this restaurant has great falafel.
♫ i sympathise // and i recognize // that i got the good side of things ♫
i’ve been thinking a lot lately about what i’m here for. that’s a lot to start with, but bear with me.
i remember a few years ago i saw a graphic where someone on the internet took the average lifespan of a human being, turned every week into a box, and then placed the boxes onto a grid — this represented an entire life (if scaled right, it can fit on a standard 8.5″ x 11″ piece of paper). something about the past few months of my life has felt like they’ve been slipping by so quickly. maybe it’s just the way aging works. maybe it’s because working full-time leaves little room for novelty in my day-to-day, and so they start to blend together.
whatever it is, i’ve noticed that i’ve been coloring in plenty of boxes on my life’s grid, and i’m not sure i know what i have to show for it. yes, i’m living life — doing fun things & making memories — but something about that feels superficial. i know life is meant to be lived, but i can’t help but feel like it’s also meant to be dedicated to something. there’s probably some psychological flaw rooted here, but i can’t help but wonder what my why is. i know i have one, we all do, i think, but i can’t say with confidence that i can pinpoint what mine is, let alone if i’m living in a way that takes my why into account.
a part of me wishes i could jumble this all into a quarter-life crisis, but unfortunately, i think i’m a bit too level for that to be true. maybe i just need to print out one of those grids.
♫ I wanna feel hope when I die // so I know what I left behind ♫
i got rained on pretty heavily earlier. tried to help a dog in an alley in my neighborhood during a thunderstorm—unfortunately, they bolted, and i lost the trail. 🙁
on another note, i’ve been thinking about my intentions for the new year. specifically, i’ve been reflecting on the scope of my intentions.
every year, i find myself making new year’s resolutions that, in hindsight, feel trivial. it’s always about being more mindful, reading more, or improving my health in some way. the problem is, these resolutions often lack real purpose. i’ve set them because it feels like the expected thing to do or because they sound good at a surface level.
this is where scope comes in. this time, i don’t want to set a specific number, goal, or milestone. when resolutions become about checking boxes, they lose meaning for me. specificity can be useful for direction, but life can get chaotic. i don’t want to set myself up for disappointment because of some arbitrary standard i created.
for 2025, i just want to leave the year knowing i made the world a better place in some way. i don’t know exactly how i’ll do that yet, but that’s part of the point—no constraints, no rigid framework. i’m trusting my internal compass to guide me. when the time comes, i hope i’ll know if i’ve honored this intention. and if not, i’ll reflect, learn, and correct for the next year.
♫ its something unpredictable, but in the end is right // I hope you have the time of your life ♫
sometimes i have to remind myself that i’m only human — even when it makes me feel… ashamed.
there’s only so much a person can handle, and it seems that i hit a limit (usl if you will) at some point last night. from a combination of jet lag and work stress, i broke. with a presentation the following morning and a deeper fear that i’m not “making the cut,” i kept pushing myself to keep working, even when the clock showed it was past 1 am. at some point, i realized i was exhausted and needed to put down the laptop despite my unfinished work, only to find that i couldn’t sleep. my body thought it was still overseas, and the aftermath of my anxiety-fueled workflow was making my heart race nonstop despite how tired i was.
fast forward to 5 am: i’m lying in bed with tears in my eyes. i didn’t sleep a wink, and the whole night i beat myself up for both my inability to rest and my imperfections as an engineer. in that moment, i felt deep shame. shame for not being more resilient, fast-learning, or capable like my coworkers, who i look up to. maybe it’s just imposter syndrome, but in this spiral, i began to doubt myself fundamentally—like whether i deserved my successes or if i could manage the upkeep of this high-achieving life i’m building for myself.
in the end, i called in sick for my own mental health, which was both a relief and yet another nail in my coffin of imposter syndrome, as calling in sick solidified the feeling of weakness that kept me up all night. i felt worse for a few hours, but after the panic faded, i was finally able to disconnect and let myself breathe.
as i’m writing this, i’m on hour ~33 of being awake, and I anticipate about 3 more until I can give myself permission to rest. i still haven’t slept for fear of taking a nap during the day and ruining my sleep schedule further, so i’m trying to persevere until regular sleeping hours in the evening.
i’m not sure what to take from this experience today. is this a sign that i need to work harder to meet the internal targets i’ve set for myself, or a warning to take a step back and trust i’m on the right path? i genuinely don’t know.
♫ go to sleep little flower // leave your troubles for the night ♫
as I write this I sit in the San Jose airport waiting to board my flight to Dallas
honestly im pretty exhausted — this recent trip started with plenty of enthusiasm and energy, but as time passed over the two weeks I really began to feel homesick. I miss my kittens and my bed lol. exploring is fun, but familiarity is nice, especially now that its around the holidays
im also tired of being at airports! I have spent so many hours at airports over the past two weeks its maddening. something about the stale environment of an airport’s plastic lounge chairs and off white walls that feels like being stuck in purgatory. makes me want to jump off the walls!!
anyways, im happy to be on my way home. the jet lag is already hitting but that’s just the way it goes. all I want to do is sink into the oh-so-familiar loose leather couches we have in our living room and hug milo and mona
♫ Sorry guys, I didn’t realize that I needed you so much ♫
yesterday marked my 6th month at apple, which, in retrospect, is pretty incredible
I think the thing that amazes me the most isn’t necessarily just the company I work for, but rather the sheer whirlwind of a 6 months it has been since my onboarding, and in turn, how normal it feels now. since June I have uprooted my entire life in a fundamental way — leaving Texas, working full-time, adopting two knucklehead street cats — these are just a few examples of how different my world is.
even as I write this, I’m sitting in mainland china with a flight to Taiwan in the next 12 hours. hell, my first time even being outside of the states was during my post-graduation trip to Costa Rica. next thing I know im flying to the east like its nobodies business. this isn’t even my first trip (nor will it be my last)
I think I just want to take a moment to acknowledge this milestone. I’ve been so caught up with everything that I haven’t had much time to reflect, let alone write like I used to.
high school me would never have been able to guess the direction my life would take 🙂
