i’ve been thinking a lot lately about what i’m here for. that’s a lot to start with, but bear with me.

i remember a few years ago i saw a graphic where someone on the internet took the average lifespan of a human being, turned every week into a box, and then placed the boxes onto a grid — this represented an entire life (if scaled right, it can fit on a standard 8.5″ x 11″ piece of paper). something about the past few months of my life has felt like they’ve been slipping by so quickly. maybe it’s just the way aging works. maybe it’s because working full-time leaves little room for novelty in my day-to-day, and so they start to blend together.

whatever it is, i’ve noticed that i’ve been coloring in plenty of boxes on my life’s grid, and i’m not sure i know what i have to show for it. yes, i’m living life — doing fun things & making memories — but something about that feels superficial. i know life is meant to be lived, but i can’t help but feel like it’s also meant to be dedicated to something. there’s probably some psychological flaw rooted here, but i can’t help but wonder what my why is. i know i have one, we all do, i think, but i can’t say with confidence that i can pinpoint what mine is, let alone if i’m living in a way that takes my why into account.

a part of me wishes i could jumble this all into a quarter-life crisis, but unfortunately, i think i’m a bit too level for that to be true. maybe i just need to print out one of those grids.