sometimes i have to remind myself that i’m only human — even when it makes me feel… ashamed.
there’s only so much a person can handle, and it seems that i hit a limit (usl if you will) at some point last night. from a combination of jet lag and work stress, i broke. with a presentation the following morning and a deeper fear that i’m not “making the cut,” i kept pushing myself to keep working, even when the clock showed it was past 1 am. at some point, i realized i was exhausted and needed to put down the laptop despite my unfinished work, only to find that i couldn’t sleep. my body thought it was still overseas, and the aftermath of my anxiety-fueled workflow was making my heart race nonstop despite how tired i was.
fast forward to 5 am: i’m lying in bed with tears in my eyes. i didn’t sleep a wink, and the whole night i beat myself up for both my inability to rest and my imperfections as an engineer. in that moment, i felt deep shame. shame for not being more resilient, fast-learning, or capable like my coworkers, who i look up to. maybe it’s just imposter syndrome, but in this spiral, i began to doubt myself fundamentally—like whether i deserved my successes or if i could manage the upkeep of this high-achieving life i’m building for myself.
in the end, i called in sick for my own mental health, which was both a relief and yet another nail in my coffin of imposter syndrome, as calling in sick solidified the feeling of weakness that kept me up all night. i felt worse for a few hours, but after the panic faded, i was finally able to disconnect and let myself breathe.
as i’m writing this, i’m on hour ~33 of being awake, and I anticipate about 3 more until I can give myself permission to rest. i still haven’t slept for fear of taking a nap during the day and ruining my sleep schedule further, so i’m trying to persevere until regular sleeping hours in the evening.
i’m not sure what to take from this experience today. is this a sign that i need to work harder to meet the internal targets i’ve set for myself, or a warning to take a step back and trust i’m on the right path? i genuinely don’t know.
